clean this time (jokes pt. II)

[thecarguy]

Im mostly at fault....but everyone try to keep it to things youd tell your mom or kids.



ya know what you call batman and robin after they get run over by a steamroller?
Flatman and ribbon

You know what batman said to robin before they got in the batmobile?
Robin, Get in the batmobile.

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says...why the long face?

A magician was driving down the street and he turned into a McDonalds. (think about it, it make take some a few trys).

[danny]

you tell your mother these jokes??-lol-

[thecarguy]

the neighbors kid told me these.

You know what polar bears eat?
Burrrrrritos LMAO!!!!!

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Got this in my e-mail from my dad, it was forwarded to him by my mom I think its hilarious.

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror(make mental note to do more sit-ups).

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs.

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake ****** at her making the 'WOO-WOO' sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your ****** and scratch your ***.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face.

6. Wash your armpits.

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises(real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire ****** size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake ****** at her and make the 'WOO-WOO' sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

[KA9MOT]

I'll have to print that last one out and tape it somewhere the wife will be sure to see it. LOL

[vetteonr]

No truer words were spoken thecarguy. Very funny!

[rapideo]

Post subject: NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

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D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

[thecarguy]

an optimist see's the glass as half full. a pessimist see's the glass as half empty. An engineer see's the glass as twice as big as it needs to be.

[vetteonr]

LMAO rapideo!

[Trader Ray]

Very creative, I laughed at almost every one of them and cant wait to tell them at work.

[rapideo]

Naa, I cant take credit. dodgetrucks.org has a million of them
like 55 pages!!! archived. I may go blind reading all that

[danny]

i thought it was something else that made you go blind-lol-

[thecarguy]

two pretzels were walking down the street. One was assulted (a-salted).

So a ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says sorry, we dont serve food here.

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender asks, Why the long face?

[KA9MOT]

I've heard that Horse one somewhere before........Oh yeah, It was in the first post of this thread.........wasn't it funny enough for you the first time? It wasn't very funny the second time either. LOL

[thecarguy]

LMAO. I can never remember to who and when Ive told jokes.

So a pony and eagle are best friends. The pony stops talking to the eagle and the eagle gets worried. The eagle goes to the rabbit and tell the rabbit that he is worried he made the pony mad and thats why the pony is no longer talking to him. The eagle asks the rabbit to go to the pony and ask him what is the matter. The rabbit goes to the pony and asks him why he hasnt spoken to the eagle in a few days. The pony says, Im a little hoarse.


BA DUM CHHHHHHHHH

[Trader Ray]

What do baby ghost drink? Evaporated milk!